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Never Has This Momma Ever…

NEVER HAS THIS MOMMA EVER. . .
bought a million cute crop tops not remembering I have a post-baby belly.

 

NEVER HAS THIS MOMMA EVER. . .
been shamed for working too much to provide for my family.

 

 

NEVER HAS THIS MOMMA EVER. . .
just ignored the mess in front of me because I was too tired to give a shit.


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Community as a Parenting Manual

I am the third-born of four sisters. Yet I cannot pride myself in taking on the “big sibling” roles like my oldest sisters. I definitely didn’t dream of being a mother or playing many parenting games as a child to practice for the future. However, as I grew older I knew that I had so much love to share and started a family. 

Once I was a mother I searched for ways to parent “perfectly.” My favorite phrase became, “Why is there no manual for parenting!” As a lover of reading, I found comfort in books like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Through a writing group, I discovered Raising Mothers, which wasn’t just a magazine about parenting but one for people of color like me. Reading about other mothers’ parenting challenges and finding the time to write was reassuring. And also seeing different women being authentically themselves was comforting. 

I’ve realized that many of us are very intentional about parenting and motherhood. In the process of mothering, we’re indirectly creating our own unique manuals shaped by the children we have, the societies we live in, the backgrounds that we come from, and the future we are forging for our families. Recently Sherisa de Groot, the Raising Mothers founder and editor-in-chief, contributed to 100 Diverse Voices on Parenthood. The book provides insight and information for new parents and parents who may be searching for a manual like I once was. 

In her article, “Parenting Groups,” de Groot talks about “how to find your people” and communicating your needs as a parent. Like her, I live far from my family, but through my children’s friends and their parents, I have found new friendships and communities that help me be vulnerable and build my strength as a single parent. 

I interviewed Sherisa de Groot about her contribution to 100 Diverse Voices on Parenthood, as well as finding community, how we adapt as parents, and expectations we create in motherhood.

Kya Mara: How and where online did you start to find a community for your mothering needs?

Sherisa de Groot: I read and penned blogs online for years. I started reading personal family writing blogs maybe in 2006. While that wasn’t a set community, I collected blogs on my RSS feed like Pokemon. In a way, that was my initiation community. My first community once I was actually pregnant was on Tumblr. I was attracted to the idea of being in a writing community in a shared space, unlike most else prior. I wrote about my pregnancy and found a community of new parents that I really connected with. Once my child was born I didn’t like the thought of chronicling everything my child did without their consent and realized I’m more interested in the stories of parents as people who mother rather than people who share their child’s lives. I didn’t like the invisibility it created. Later, a friend invited me to join a parenting group on Facebook that I stayed pretty involved with and am still a member of. 

Do you ever feel screen exhausted?

I am just coming off a long bout of screen (and other things) exhaustion. I took a seven-month break that ended recently. It was a great recharge for me. I feel like I’ve never been online more than I was during the pandemic and I listened to my inner voice and stepped away for as long as needed. 

Have you found parenting harder especially when it comes to the school needs for your children due to language differences? Did you need to learn a new language?

While I don’t speak Dutch, I understand it fairly well. I live in a very international city and many of the children are multilingual by default. I haven’t found parenting difficult in the ways that are usually discussed, but I have found it frustrating culturally. My husband is a native speaker. 

How different have your needs changed as your children have grown older? Have you found yourself seeking new parenting groups?

I have found that my independence is slowly increasing as their independence increases and it’s been beneficial for all of us. I haven’t focused on finding new parenting groups so much as I’ve grown with the parents I entered this journey with and my parenting mentors that I look to. 

What has been the one thing that you find has changed tremendously from what you first believed parenting or motherhood was about?

I was aware of the growth, but I didn’t realize how constant I would have to examine what I do and don’t want to incorporate into my own parenting journey. There’s so much to learn and I feel like it’s one part instinct and one part studying, but I’m fine with that. I am fortunate to have had wonderful mother examples in my mother and grandmother and my friends with older kids. I have had to learn that sacrifice is not my ministry, but I’ve been shown it in varying ways and I must keep on top of it. It’s become easier now as they age. 

What one thing would you wish to unlearn from things you did as a first-time mother?

My experience the second time around came with more ease and no anxiousness because it wasn’t brand new anymore. I know I was under the impression that I encouraged freedom much more than I did. Out of necessity, I’ve learned to let go more often. I think it’s something that came naturally since there’s a five-year age difference between my kids. I am also learning two ever-evolving personalities and how I change as a person as I age definitely plays into that. 

How would you want your children to remember you?

I want to be remembered as a woman who loved them openly and deeply. Someone who believed in them and made that known. I want them to remember that I never stayed in my feelings and I always apologized when I was wrong. I want them to remember that I encouraged them to be their full selves and to speak up for themselves and others. I want them to also remember that I am an example of how to live your life differently and find joy daily. There’s no one way to grow up and in a society that prides itself on homogeneity, I want them to embrace who they are and not who society tries to dictate for them.


Kya Mara is the inaugural recipient of Raising Mothers’ 2022 We Are The House: A Virtual Residency for Early-Career Writers. WATH is a year-long virtual residency for one BIPOC nonfiction writer dedicated to helping early-career, underrepresented writers who are also parents build their writing portfolio. To learn more about our residency, click here.

Sayuri Ayers | Mama’s Writing

Mama’s Writing is Raising Mothers’ monthly interview series, curated by Starr Davis.


What recent writing accomplishment(s) are you most proud of? Was this accomplishment shared and supported by your children?

In 2021, I began my journey as an MFA student in Randolph College’s low-residency program. I will be graduating this June. 

It’s been challenging balancing my studies and work outside the home with mothering. But, it’s been a worthwhile, enriching investment. I’ve learned how to craft stronger essays and have connected with life-long friends within my program. Most importantly, I’ve found my voice and confidence as an artist and writer. 

At first, my son, who was seven years old at the time, had difficulty adjusting to the changes in our household as I studied and wrote. It took encouragement and firm, loving boundaries to help him understand the importance of my MFA studies. 

However, over time, he began to tell others: “My mom is a writer.” 

He’s also began working alongside me in my home office: I’d be on my computer, and he’d be drawing comics or reading. It was such a sweet and nurturing time. 

Tell about a time mom-guilt emerged (or emerges) in the midst of your writing process.

During the first year of my MFA program, my son had some difficulty adjusting to the changes in our family life because of my studies. 

I remember he came to my desk and tried to pull me away from my work. I was in the middle of an essay and didn’t want to stop writing. 

I told him: “Mom’s writing. You have to leave me alone.” It was one of the first times that I felt protective of my time and creativity, but looking into his mournful eyes made me overflow with guilt. 

As I finish my program, I still feel jabs of mom-guilt for the overflowing laundry and dishes and the hundredth fast-food dinner. But I remind myself of the importance of my art, which nourishes and empowers me. 

After graduation, my writing will still be a central part of my life, but I will have more time for my son. This chaotic season will pass. 

If you could go back and give yourself advice before becoming a mom, what would it be?

When I had my son, I had severe postpartum depression. I disappeared under the heaps of dirty onesies and diapers. I didn’t have the time or desire to write or create. Motherhood swallowed me whole. 

Through the support of my family and church friends, I slowly recovered, then began to write again. I felt my creative voice return and I was able to publish several essays and a poetry collection about my experiences.

If I could sit next to my before-motherhood-self, I would encourage her to honor her art and time—that a “good” mother is one who makes herself a priority, sometimes above her children’s needs and desires. 

I would tell her there’s no shame in asking for help, that mothers were meant to be in community, to be interwoven with others who share the same joy and burden of caring for children. 

I would tell her that her voice and story are important, that God created her to be an artist, that her work would comfort and inspire others, that she was a force of nature. 

What topics, artistic channels, or forms have become present that were not there before in your writing since becoming a parent?

Being a mother has challenged me to write the personal into the wider world. Before having my son, I didn’t reflect on how social and political forces had shaped my life. I think I was too afraid to face the painful memories of growing up as an Asian American child in a mostly white Midwest suburb. 

But having a biracial child has changed my writing. My son has endured bullying at school. Some of the incidents have had racial undertones. He has begun to ask questions: “Where am I from? Am I Asian?” 

Seeing my son suffer has brought out the beast in me. I’ve started speaking out against how he was treated. His experiences have sparked memories of my childhood, which have surged onto the page like wildfire.

Now, my writing navigates larger questions: How can a mother’s rage spark a revolution? How do I use stories to equip my son for a difficult world? How do stories transform us all? 

Do you ever find yourself dealing with censorship as a mom-writer? Explain your thoughts on your children eventually becoming acquainted with your work.

I love Deesha Philyaw’s reflection on censorship as a mom-writer. Like Philyaw, I mostly censor to protect my son’s privacy. As he grows older, I will probably share less of his life; his stories are not mine to share. 

For my MFA thesis, I’ve written an illustrated essay for my son as I navigate the power of stories. If he choses to read “On Thriving,” I hope he will find comfort and encouragement in my words and experience the pride I feel for him and our Asian American heritage.   

How has parenting bolstered or inhibited your creativity? 

I feel that parenting has been a recursive process. While balancing motherhood with my creative life, I take two steps forward, then a step backwards over and over. 

Motherhood has inhibited my time and concentration, but it has enriched how I experience the world. My son has such expansive questions, and he encounters new people and ideas with wonder and openness. I feel like he’s taught me how to be fearless and tender at the same time. This is the greatest gift that he has given me. 

Sometimes I have dry spells, but those are just seasons. I have to remember to keep my art in the forefront, to read and write a little each day, even if it’s reflecting on a poem or creating a sentence. 

Was there a noticeable shift in your writing before and after parenthood? If yes, how so?

Yes—there was an immense shift. When I was a single person then newlywed, my time was abundant. Motherhood really compartmentalized my time; now it’s scarce.

I have to say that I’ve become very protective of my creative time. I seal myself off in my office to write a couple hours a week. This is a privilege that not a lot of parents have, so I make the most of it. 

How has the internet influenced you as both a writer and parent? 

Oh, boy. I have a love-hate relationship with the internet. In 2019, I decided to delete my social media accounts. Being virtually connected to the wider writing community had been incredibly beneficial—I was able to network and keep up to date with calls for submission and the beautiful work of other writers. In many ways, social media enriched my writing life. 

However, over time, I began to spend too much time on social media. The internet became a place of comparison and insecurity, especially when I read the posts of other mothers. I began to question my life as an artist—how I sometimes put my writing before my son. Social media magnified my insecurities as a mother and creative; I used it as a touchstone. I began to need virtual affirmation to feel like a good person. 

Besides social media, the internet can be a wonderful place, especially for research. During the pandemic, I relied on my public library’s electronic resources for my essays and websites like Visuwords for inspiration. 

ChatGTP has muddied my reliance on the internet to archive my work. I wonder how much of my poems and essays will be harvested by AI. I’m leery of any technology that has the capability to mimic human creativity. I believe AI will ultimately flatten and homogenize discourse and dull critical thinking. This is something that I mindfully combat in my writing by focusing on image, metaphor, and storytelling. 

How have other mother figures you have encountered in your community influenced your parenting? Your writing?

My mother has been a major influence in the way I parent and write. I’ve learned to love fiercely from her and have benefited from her full-force dedication as a mother. 

In my writing, I navigate my tumultuous upbringing. But I’m moving towards a place of compassion and understanding of the way my mother raised me, especially in light of the mistakes I’ve made as a mother. As a writer, I feel challenged to implicate myself. 

How do you balance motherhood/parenting and finding the space to write?

When my son was an infant and toddler, there wasn’t a balance between my parenting and writing life. I think that’s one of the reasons why I suffered from severe postpartum depression. 

However, as Joshua grew, I began to see the importance of my writing life—how it offered me spiritual stability. I have a little card on my desk that says: “You were created to do this.” I believe that God formed me not only as a mother, but also as an artist. To deny my creative self is to deny my Creator. 

Who are your writer-mama heroes?

I’m blessed to be surrounded by a local community of fierce and generous writer-mammas. Su and Susan, if you’re reading this, I’m inspired by your delight in your children and your dedication to your creative work. Thank you for showing me how to prioritize my art while caring for my son. Thank you for helping me become a better writer and mother.

In the wider community, I’m inspired by Lidia Yuknavitch and Tina Chang. Their work gleams within the furnace of motherhood. I highly recommend Yuknavitch’s Chronology of Water and Chang’s Hybrida. These collections reflect the hybrid nature of motherhood—an amalgamation of woman, beast, and artist, all beautiful and ferocious. 


Sayuri Ayers is a poet and essayist from Columbus, Ohio. Her work navigates the shifting landscape of cultural identity, mental health, and motherhood. She is the author of three collections of poetry: The Woman, The River (forthcoming from Porkbelly Press), Mother/Wound (Full/Crescent Press, 2020), and Radish Legs, Duck Feet (Green Bottle Press, 2016). Her nonfiction collection, The Maiden in the Moon, will be released by Porkbelly Press this year. A Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominee, Sayuri’s work most recently appears in The Poetry Foundation, Gulf Stream Magazine, and Parentheses Journal. She has received support from Kundiman, PEN America, The Greater Columbus Arts Council, and Ohio Arts Council. She is currently a Blackburn Fellow in Randolph College’s MFA program where she studies creative nonfiction. Please visit her at sayuriayers.com.   


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The Mamas | Ten Questions for Helena Andrews

RAISING MOTHERS:     What inspired you to tell this story? 

HELENA ANDREWS:     “The Mamas” was born out of hilarity, frustration, and new mom exhaustion. When I had my first daughter in 2017 then joined the prison gang otherwise known as my neighborhood mom group, I could not get over how ridiculous and white everything was. Baby yoga? Music class for seven-week-olds? WTF and also sign me up. Since writing is the only way I know how to process things, including my personal struggle with this all consuming new identity, I began writing notes to myself about the entire experience of being an extra Black mom in gentrified spaces. I knew other women were having the same double-take moments but I’d never read anything about it, so I wrote it.

RAISING MOTHERS:     What did you edit out of this book?

HELENA ANDREWS:     Honestly? Not much. I’ve written four books now, including two of my own memoirs, and my literary motto is “leave it all on the page.” But because “The Mamas” features other main “characters” besides myself, most of whom are women on the verge with babies and aging parents and work and who knows what else, I was more careful about how I painted them. Usually I never let anyone read my work (aside from my editor) before it goes to print. But with this book I wanted everyone to feel seen and not exposed. So I let a select group of mom friends take a peek at some chapters and my mother read her chapter. There were no notes! Memoir should be about exposing your own foolishness for the greater good.  

RAISING MOTHERS:     How did you know you were done? What did you discover about yourself upon completion?

HELENA ANDREWS:     I plot all my books from start to finish before I dive in for real. My creative dial is permanently set on journalist, so I structure my work like an inverted pyramid – lede, nut graphs, and a kicker. I need to be writing towards something. A story, a book, a script is done once I get my reader over the finish line. Oftentimes writing with that kind of structure always in mind gets a bad reputation as inflexible and less creative. Not true. The journey can still take you places you never imagined. The chapter on my mother, “Your Mom’s Vagina” turned into a rumination on my own daughterhood which I wasn’t expecting until I dove in.


If I’m blocked in some way, which happens often, then instead of writing I talk into a voice recorder and then transcribe those words onto the page to “trick” myself into using my fingers.

 



RAISING MOTHERS:     What was your agenting process like?

HELENA ANDREWS:     I’ve had the same agent, Howard Yoon of the Ross Yoon Agency, since I was a baby writer. Howard and I met through a journalist pal of mine who is also a client, Ryan Grim. I’d told Ryan the story of how I was kidnapped by my grandmother as a child because she thought my mother was going to sell me into child slavery in Europe (long story). His immediate reaction was “You need to write a book.” Howard and I then worked on the proposal that turned into “Bitch is the New Black” (2010) for more than a year and we’ve been together ever since. Howard has always understood my voice. 

RAISING MOTHERS:     What was the best money you ever spent as a writer?

HELENA ANDREWS:     If we’re talking tools to help you write. When I start a new project I spend an insane amount of money on other books. Reading and writing are the same. If we’re talking spending checks? I went on a fabulous European vacation to Paris, Barcelona and Marrakech. Experience and writing are also the same. One begets the other. 

RAISING MOTHERS:     How many hours a day do you write? Break down your typical writing day. 

HELENA ANDREWS:     Because I’m a working journalist I spend my days either writing or thinking about writing. I don’t do anything else really. But typically I can’t write for more than three hours straight without taking a long break and even within that time block I get incredibly antsy. I do a lot of getting up and walking around the newsroom or downstairs to the kitchen, especially after I’ve written a line or paragraph I am proud of. It could take me an hour to write three good sentences and then I do a victory lap. 

RAISING MOTHERS:     What are your top three tips to help develop your writing muscle?

HELENA ANDREWS:     Write, write, write. There isn’t a hack. Writers write. They write good but mostly they write badly for a long while until something good bubbles up. If I’m blocked in some way, which happens often, then instead of writing I talk into a voice recorder and then transcribe those words onto the page to “trick” myself into using my fingers. 


Creatives tend to gravitate toward one another, especially (hopefully) Black women writing. Every woman on this list has been quick to give me counsel or a kick in the butt when needed.

 



RAISING MOTHERS:     What does literary success look like to you?

HELENA ANDREWS:     Literary success is finishing the damn thing! Heck, having the courage to even speak your ideas out loud. Publishing is its own hero’s journey that has less to do with how good your work is and more to do with how a corporate machine plans to bottle up and market that blood, sweat and tears. Don’t seek validation there. But having four books (three of my own and one collaboration) on shelves and in people’s hands is success to me. The NYT bestsellers list has a lot of writers in a chokehold. I haven’t hit that summit yet but for the little Helena who gave her elementary school friends a hand written copy of her first “book,” I’m living the dream.

RAISING MOTHERS:     What other authors are you friends with, and how do they help you become a better writer?

HELENA ANDREWS:     I hope I don’t embarrass myself with this list and end up getting Mariah Carey’d. Some incredible women I consider my author friends are Rebecca Walker, Tia Williams, Aliya King, Deesha Philyaw, Denene Millner, Bassey Ikpi, Luvvie Ajayi, Demetria Lucas and the list goes on. Creatives tend to gravitate toward one another, especially (hopefully) Black women writing. Every woman on this list has been quick to give me counsel or a kick in the butt when needed. Reading their incredibly varied work from romance to humor to memoir to short fiction is consistently inspiring and nothing is more important to the consistent writer’s life. You can’t wait on inspiration but bursts of excitement are necessary to keep doing this work. 

RAISING MOTHERS:     Who are you writing for?

HELENA ANDREWS:     I write for me first. And the mes I see in other people. Whether that is the secretly introverted extrovert, the fatherless child, the radical Black mother, the only one, and the women ready to burn it all down. I want folks to see their own stories given the dignity and star treatment it deserves in all my books. 


Helena Andrews-Dyer (she/her/hers) is an award-winning culture reporter for The Washington Post. She’s written about actress Sheryl Lee Ralph finally getting her flowers, how DJ D-Nice saved all of our lives, and the significance of Brett and Tiffany’s Black love story on Netflix’s ‘Love is Blind.”  

In 2020, Helena was awarded two National Association of Black Journalists’ Salute to Excellence Awards for her longform feature “This Isn’t Another Horror Story About Black Motherhood.

Her latest book, “The Mamas: What I Learned About Kids, Class and Race From Moms Not Like Me,” was published by Crown in August 2022. With sharp wit and refreshing honesty, The Mamas explores the contradictions and community of motherhood—white and Black and everything—against the backdrop of the rapidly changing world.

Helena’s other works include “Reclaiming Her Time: The Power of Maxine Waters” co-written with R. Eric Thomas and the memoir-in-essays “Bitch is the New Black.”  “Grey’s Anatomy” creator Shonda Rhimes optioned “Bitch is the New Black” as a feature film for Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Before joining The Post Helena was a contributing editor at xoJane, a digital women’s magazine founded by Jane Pratt. Helena’s work has appeared in Oprah Magazine, Marie Claire, Glamour, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Washington Post Magazine, Essence, and OUT among other national publications. Helena has appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” NPR’s “Morning Edition,” CNN, MSNBC, XM Radio, NY1 among other outlets.

She lives in Washington with a husband whose laugh can be heard for miles and two equally carefree daughters.

Thanks for reading! Childcare costs $20/hour in most cities. If you enjoy Raising Mothers, join us as a sustaining member to help RM remain ad-free. Invest in amplifying the voices of Black, Asian, Latine(x), Indigenous and other parents of color at our many intersections. Tiers start at $5/month.

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Deesha Philyaw | Mama’s Writing

Mama’s Writing is Raising Mothers’ monthly interview series, curated by Starr Davis.


What recent writing accomplishment(s) are you most proud of?

I have a satirical horror story titled, “Fuckboy Museum” in a forthcoming anthology, Peach Pit: 16 Stories of Unsavory Women.

Was this accomplishment shared and supported by your children?

My youngest daughter (age 19) read the story and, sadly, found it to be relatable.

Tell about a time mom-guilt emerged (or emerges) in the midst of your writing process.

My daughters are 19 and 24 now, so it’s been a minute. I don’t remember feeling a lot of guilt around writing, but I think that’s for several reasons. First, I co-parented during 99% of my writing career. So I had regular times when my kids were away with their dad, and I tried to get as much writing done as I could at those times. The other reason I didn’t feel much guilt is because too often I prioritized my kids and other obligations over my writing time. I frequently wrote at night, after everybody and everything else was taken care of, when I was running on fumes. For too many years, I made sure everyone else was fed well while giving myself and my writing crumbs. I regret that.

If you could go back and give yourself advice before becoming a mom, what would it be?

“Don’t get married before you’re 30. And make sure he’s sweeter than your solitude. Word to Warsan Shire.”

What topics, artistic channels, or forms have become present that were not there before in your writing since becoming a parent?

I didn’t really write before becoming a parent. I started when my oldest was two.

Do you ever find yourself dealing with censorship as a mom-writer?

I held back sharing things about my first marriage in part because I wanted to protect my children’s privacy as well as my own. And there are still some things I’ll never write about for those same reasons. I don’t really think of that as censoring myself. For me, censoring has happened when I’ve not written about something because of fear or shame, unrelated to me being a mother.

Explain your thoughts on your children becoming acquainted with your work.

In nearly 25 years, we’ve gone from my kids wanting me to write about their funny antics in my (now defunct) blog to my kids having zero interest in my writing to them reading and talking about my short story collection and asking me to sign copies for their friends. I’ve wanted them to read my work more often than they’ve wanted to read it! I see my writing as a way for them to get to know me more fully as a person. But then I have to remember that I didn’t really see my mom as a person (and not just my mom) until I was 35.

How has parenting bolstered or inhibited your creativity?

Bolstered. Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s made me curious, flexible, and resilient, all of which fuel my creativity.

How has the internet influenced you as both a writer and parent?

The first thing I did when I got pregnant in 1998 was look for a community of mothers via the internet. My writing career began on the internet. I’ve met and stayed connected to my writing community via social media. I’ve survived and thrived as a mother and as a writer because of people and resources on the Internet. The internet, like books, has made my world larger.

How have other mother figures you have encountered in your community influenced your parenting? Your writing?

In my online community, a group of progressive homeschooling moms deeply influenced my parenting, even though I ultimately decided not to homeschool. They introduced me to attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, and the like. Two of those mothers are also artists, and they were my early first readers.

Online, my first writing gig was as a columnist at LiteraryMama.com. Those wonderful mother-writers were my first editors and critique partners. I don’t have an MFA. I consider my 4 years at LM to be my MFA. Offline, my writing community was far more limited. Poet Yona Harvey is a dear friend and mother-writer who has influenced me as a mother and a writer. We became friends in the mid-2000s when we were both living in Pittsburgh. I deeply admire the vulnerability and authenticity of Yona’s work as a poet and as a mother, and simply how she moves in the world with such gentleness. She is forever goals.

Recently, I thought about how I’m a mentor/mother figure to younger folks, but I only have one older mother/mentor figure in my life. So I reached out to another mother-writer I know and asked if she would be my mentor, and she said yes. One of her best pieces of advice: When your children become adults, your role shifts from “manager” to “consultant.”

How do you balance motherhood/parenting and finding the space to write?

When my daughters were younger, I reminded myself that pursuing my writing – the thing I wanted to do most in the world – made me a better person, which would in turn make me a better parent. I’m not sure which quote is accurate but these two have been attributed to (racist) Carl Jung:  “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” and “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”

Who are your writer-mama heroes?

Yona Harvey, Laura Szabo-Cohen, Peachie Wimbush-Polk, Renee Simms, Lonnae O’Neal Parker, Kim McLarin, Mahogany Browne, Yvonne Bynoe, Toni Morrison

Final question especially for you:
What have you gained/gleaned from these profiles over the past almost 30 months that will stay with you?

The first mother-writing I encountered, pre-Literary Mama, was reading about the momoir era aka the Chardonnay-sippy cup-minivan book era aka the Mommy Wars era. Middle- to upper-class white women writing about motherhood and folks trying to pass their experiences off as universal and representative. The impact was a flattenng of motherhood and the erasure of the experiences of mothers of the global majority. And I remember thinking how frivolous those momoirs were, how little I could relate to what they were writing about, how little I cared. By contrast, I was constantly surprised and delighted and moved by the Mama’s Writing profiles. By the honesty and the grappling and the contradictions and the humor. By the realness. What will stay with me is that mothers of the global majority have so many wonderful layers, that – to quote Walt Whitman – we contain multitudes.


Deesha Philyaw is the author of the debut short story collection The Secret Lives of Church Ladies (West Virginia University Press, 2020), which won the 2021 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, the 2020/2021 Story Prize, and a 2020 LA Times Book Prize: The Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction; the collection was also a finalist for the 2020 National Book Award for Fiction. Deesha is also a Kimbilio Fiction Fellow and is currently the 2022-2023 John and Renée Grisham Writer-in-Residence at the University of Mississippi.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoy Raising Mothers, join us as a sustaining member to help RM remain ad-free. Invest in amplifying the voices of Black, Asian, Latine(x), Indigenous and other parents of color at our many intersections. Tiers start at $5/month.

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